What to do? What to do.

I don't know what to do with my life.
I'm approaching my sophomore year in college this coming fall and I'm having an identity crisis. Who am I? What am I supposed to do with my life? Yet it's not my life to begin with, so who am I to try direct it in a path that I'm not supposed to walk on?

Currently, I am pursuing a career as a veterinarian and I have been ever since I was 5. The ability to heal and make animals happy was in itself fascinating and combined with my love for them, made the choice to become a veterinarian a no-brainer. Everyone around me knows how I absolutely adore animals and how I want to be a veterinarian 'when I grow up,' but now as I have been growing up, everything isn't what it seems, unfortunately.

One thing that really bothered me was how up until a month ago, I haven't been able to spell 'veterinarian' correctly. Was that supposed to be a sign? I hope not. As of now, I'm rather conflicted on becoming an animator for movies or a veterinarian. Rather, its really between what I would love to do (draw, paint, and create) and what my dream was since I was 5. Yes, I know. Complete opposites.

Recently, I've been wondering/asking what God really wants me to do with my life and yet, not really trying/wanting to understand because of my fear that what He wants me to do would not be what I want to do. What if He wants me to serve people at a gas station? What if He planned for me to sweep the floors at my local supermarket? It all comes down to my great sense of pride that I can't seem to escape from and in truth, I'm not even sure I want to know what God wants for me. But what's the point of living if you're not living for God? He has given me all this (my life, my parents, my friends, etc), so how can I refuse to merely give back my insignificant existence in this world for Him to use?

Ever since I was little, I dreamed of living in a brownstone in the Brooklyn (although, I had no idea what they were called back them, just knew what they looked like) with my future husband and two kids (an older brother and a younger sister) along with a cat and dog who got along together perfectly. In my dream, I would be living my life out as a veterinarian and coming home everyday to see my husband and two adorable children. I even reasoned that because I would live in Brooklyn, I wouldn't even need a car to get around! Don't get me wrong, I still want these things more than ever, but as I'm approaching ... 19 (it would sound a whole lot more dramatic had I said 20), these dreams are becoming more and more unrealistic each day. I know I've been heavily influenced by the media's projection of worldly and carnal desires, which ultimately became mine. I want a house, I want a family, I want a fulfilling career, and at the same time, I have no idea how to get any of it. That's is exactly what the world does to you. It never leaves you satisfied. It's like as if you just completed a marathon and someone gives you a piece of watermelon and after one bite, they take the watermelon away. The world tempts you with all kinds of desires and if you give your life to them, you'll always be left hanging at the end.

Funny how the more I continue to write this post, the more I realize that all the is what I want and I and failing to put God into my 'picture-perfect' dream. I guess that's good.

Don't judge me for this, but I sometimes wish I weren't Christian in the first place. Now, here me out, there is a reason behind this wish of mine. There are those people in the world who have made themselves extremely famous and successful by their own assertiveness and ambition, who in essence, do not have to worry about 'doing the right thing.' They have power and respect and maybe sometime after their successful endeavors, they would be finally introduced to Christ. There, they would accept Christ into their lives and in response to His calling, give back a lot of what they had.

Then again, now that I come to think about it, they probably wouldn't have had the success that they had if it weren't for God. And also, it just occurred to me that it wouldn't be that easy. As Jesus said in Matthew 10:25 "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

I need to pray for guidance and humble myself. I can't let my pride take control of my life. Without him, I am nothing and I can't let my desires crowd out what God is trying to say to me.

All these things are so easy to say, but so hard to carry out.

Over and out.