I don't believe in God. That doesn't matter, He believes in you.

From The Count of Monte Cristo

This is so true. Never thought I would ever quote a movie, but here it is. For all you haven't watched the movie yet or read the book, you definitely should! (pst, it's on youtube :]) Think about it.

There are so many times when I am extremely frustrated with my life that I become so angry at God because He hasn't 'done' anything yet to help me out that I end up not 'believing' Him. But, I constantly fail to realize that He has a bigger plan for me. Yesterday during the sermon in church, I really felt God speaking to me. The message had been about the "Parable of the Mustard Seed" and how Jesus calms the storm in Mark 4:30-41. To start off, ever since I became a Christian, I've always been terrified at the thought of spreading the Gospel.

All throughout high school, I was surrounded by friends and people who were essentially non-Christian or atheist, agnostic or whatever else there is in the world. I did have a couple of Christian friends here and there, but even with them, I was never comfortable with 'talking about' God. Why did I say 'essentially non-Christian?' It's because they claimed that they were Christian/Catholic and do, say, and believe in things there were questionable to the Christian faith. But who am I to judge them? I'm not that much better. I tried to bring the topic in to a conversation once or twice but at the end, even I dropped the topic for a more 'interesting' one. I admit, I never trusted my knowledge of God's Word, the Bible, and I still don't. Even now, I don't know how much I hurt God each time I abandoned and disregarded His Word because I would not trust Him. However, during yesterday's sermon, my Pastor spoke about how the Word of God is like a mustard seed. It is the smallest of seeds but yet it matures to become the largest of trees. All you need to do is to sow a seed in a person and let it grow by itself inside. The person who receives the seed has to put in the effort to grow the seed themselves and you can only them help along the way.

The other main topic during the sermon was centered around how Jesus calms the storm when He and His disciples were crossing the Sea of Galilee at Jesus' request to get to the other side. During the trip, there was a huge storm, the boat was on the verge of sinking, and Jesus was still asleep at the stern of the ship. The disciples woke Him up and asked Jesus if He cared that the ship was sinking and that they would all eventually drown if nothing was done. Jesus got up and immediately calmed the storm and in turn asked all of them why they had such little faith. There actions directly correlates to how we deal with our problems in our lives. At first we turn to ourselves to solve the problem, then maybe to our closest family and friends. Then if all else fails, we might just turn to God. But we must turn to God at the first occurrence of a problem instead of making Him out last resort. The point here is that they did turn to God and He did bring them out of the storm.

The second point was that God will bring us into many storms in our lives, but He is always there to bring us out of them. The Sea of Galilee, the boat, and the surrounding air are our lives and we were merely sailors on the boat who attempt to control it during the storms. The water and the boat on it, like our lives, are so unstable that one small storm can knock of over in an instant. However Jesus, like in this passage notes, is always there. He is 'sleeping' in the stern, yet completely aware of what is happening. All we need to do is to ask Him for help, no matter how little or big the issue is. He brings us into the storm, fully knowing the hardships we will face, but He knows that these storms in our lives will mold us into better Christians by being more rooted in the faith. Only through these storms will we learn how to grow.

He will deliver us.

Over and out.

Patience is:

a virtue.
one of the many fruits of the spirit.
Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-Control.

Out of all of them, it is the hardest one, right after faithfulness, for me to understand and apply to my own life. I am indecisive with the little things in life (like what to pick in a vending machine) and rash with the important things (like where to go for college).
I want everything now and not soon, but when I finally get it, I regret not thinking through the initial decision to get it in the first place. I sound like a whinny little kid in a candy shop.

Speaking of a candy shop, its just like being short and only seeing a bar of cheap chocolate the 'top' of the counter, only find out after your bought the candy with all your money, taken a bite from it, and stepped away from the counter to leave the shop, that there were better candy bars just a little bit above the cheap one that you saw.

I need to pray for the patience to grow and for the ability to step back and take a look at the bigger picture of life.

Haha, and now I have run out of things to say.

Over and out.

What to do? What to do.

I don't know what to do with my life.
I'm approaching my sophomore year in college this coming fall and I'm having an identity crisis. Who am I? What am I supposed to do with my life? Yet it's not my life to begin with, so who am I to try direct it in a path that I'm not supposed to walk on?

Currently, I am pursuing a career as a veterinarian and I have been ever since I was 5. The ability to heal and make animals happy was in itself fascinating and combined with my love for them, made the choice to become a veterinarian a no-brainer. Everyone around me knows how I absolutely adore animals and how I want to be a veterinarian 'when I grow up,' but now as I have been growing up, everything isn't what it seems, unfortunately.

One thing that really bothered me was how up until a month ago, I haven't been able to spell 'veterinarian' correctly. Was that supposed to be a sign? I hope not. As of now, I'm rather conflicted on becoming an animator for movies or a veterinarian. Rather, its really between what I would love to do (draw, paint, and create) and what my dream was since I was 5. Yes, I know. Complete opposites.

Recently, I've been wondering/asking what God really wants me to do with my life and yet, not really trying/wanting to understand because of my fear that what He wants me to do would not be what I want to do. What if He wants me to serve people at a gas station? What if He planned for me to sweep the floors at my local supermarket? It all comes down to my great sense of pride that I can't seem to escape from and in truth, I'm not even sure I want to know what God wants for me. But what's the point of living if you're not living for God? He has given me all this (my life, my parents, my friends, etc), so how can I refuse to merely give back my insignificant existence in this world for Him to use?

Ever since I was little, I dreamed of living in a brownstone in the Brooklyn (although, I had no idea what they were called back them, just knew what they looked like) with my future husband and two kids (an older brother and a younger sister) along with a cat and dog who got along together perfectly. In my dream, I would be living my life out as a veterinarian and coming home everyday to see my husband and two adorable children. I even reasoned that because I would live in Brooklyn, I wouldn't even need a car to get around! Don't get me wrong, I still want these things more than ever, but as I'm approaching ... 19 (it would sound a whole lot more dramatic had I said 20), these dreams are becoming more and more unrealistic each day. I know I've been heavily influenced by the media's projection of worldly and carnal desires, which ultimately became mine. I want a house, I want a family, I want a fulfilling career, and at the same time, I have no idea how to get any of it. That's is exactly what the world does to you. It never leaves you satisfied. It's like as if you just completed a marathon and someone gives you a piece of watermelon and after one bite, they take the watermelon away. The world tempts you with all kinds of desires and if you give your life to them, you'll always be left hanging at the end.

Funny how the more I continue to write this post, the more I realize that all the is what I want and I and failing to put God into my 'picture-perfect' dream. I guess that's good.

Don't judge me for this, but I sometimes wish I weren't Christian in the first place. Now, here me out, there is a reason behind this wish of mine. There are those people in the world who have made themselves extremely famous and successful by their own assertiveness and ambition, who in essence, do not have to worry about 'doing the right thing.' They have power and respect and maybe sometime after their successful endeavors, they would be finally introduced to Christ. There, they would accept Christ into their lives and in response to His calling, give back a lot of what they had.

Then again, now that I come to think about it, they probably wouldn't have had the success that they had if it weren't for God. And also, it just occurred to me that it wouldn't be that easy. As Jesus said in Matthew 10:25 "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

I need to pray for guidance and humble myself. I can't let my pride take control of my life. Without him, I am nothing and I can't let my desires crowd out what God is trying to say to me.

All these things are so easy to say, but so hard to carry out.

Over and out.

Happy July 4th :)

Just wanted to open with this.

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… 

-Excerpt from Chris Tomlin's song "Our God"

I was listening to this song on the way back from church today and it really hit me. Hit me hard. If our God is really that much greater than anything, why do I still cower when troubles come my way? I do know the answer to that and it is because of my total lack of faithfulness towards Him. Because of my shortsightedness, I constantly fail to see how small any of my troubles are compared to the majesty of God. God is so much BIGGER than any obstacle the world can throw at you, but I still worry about every problem that comes my way. It's too lame of an excuse to just say its 'human nature' to worry, but being a Christian (still naive that is), it still boggles my mind to have someone who you can trust with all your heart that can make everything right again. I choose to struggle by myself with a trouble that God can take away instantly if only I can just reach out and grab His hand. I mean, He is right there, but still I refuse to show Him my weaknesses and surrender my pride. We can't do it by ourselves, we need God to help us through and even though I am writing this right now, I still have a hard time believing. 

Today during the sermon was based on "The Parable of the Sower" in Mark 4:1-20. He talked about how the 4 types of places the seeds settle and how it directly correlates to how we as people receive the Word of God. The first type of seed is cast onto the path where it is unable to take root and is always exposed to the scorching sun and the birds which feast on the seeds. He compared to those seeds to the people who get the gospel snatched away from by satan them as soon as they hear it. He call those people the ones with 'hard hearts.' They are the ones who refuse to receive, believe, and carry out the gospel. The fate of the second seed lead it to unpaved and rocky soil that did not let the seed actually grow and prosper. Unlike the ones cast on the path, these seeds (people) eagerly receive the Word, however since they could not grow stable roots that can hold them in the soil, as soon as troubles come their way, the waiver and fall apart because they aren't ground in the Word of God. These are the people with the 'shallow hearts.' The third place where a seed can be thrown is among a patch of thorns. In this case, the Word of God actually does take root, yet as soon as the seed starts to mature into a plant, the thorns around it choke the plant and the Word does not bear fruit. This is known as the 'crowded heart.' The troubles of the world come into our lives and literally push God out. Our hearts are too consumed with worldly pleasures and desires that our heart that was once set upon God, now turn to these idols instead.  A point my pastor made here was that these weeds and thorn actually do look alive. They give us the false perception that they contain life and we in turn start to believe and follow them. Last, there are also seeds which are sown onto the good soil. They are the ones who bear fruit and produce 30, 60, 100 times what was sown originally. These 'open-hearted' people gladly and openly receive the Word and let it grow inside them. Their hearts are rooted in God alone and they will not waiver when troubles come. 

As for me, I either contain a shallow or a crowded heart. It's hard to tell at this point, but I know for sure, because of my lack of faithfulness in Him, I have an extremely shallow heart where the Word hasn't fully taken root. When worries come my way, I fall down flat on my face. I ask "Why is this happening?" and turn my back on God. I never thought I was a shallow person, but here I am admitting it. I am shallow. I can't see past the things in front of me even though I know fully well that God might have something better in store for me and that He is putting me through this in order to help me get there. Sometimes I feel like my life is all about the now, however I fail to see that something perfect now can be horrible for the future. Nothing in the world is perfect, everything is flawed. Do you get what I mean? We need to recognize that nothing is greater than our God, that God is greater than all the troubles out there in the world. I need to surrender my pride, my self-boastfulness and step into God's light. I say again, He is right. there. with His arms open wide, all we need to do is reach out and grab His hand. Is that so hard? 

Over and out.

We Fall Down, We Lay Our Crowns.

At the feet of Jesus, right?

The problem is, I can't.

--

I have way too many idols that I am unwilling to let go. The more I look at my behavior, thoughts, and actions around others and my unwillingness to really come to the Lord in prayer and self-abandonment, the more I see the gravity of the sins that I commit, both consciously and unconsciously. I found this on a website when I was just looking at for some insight on this topic, if you will:

"The more I was compelled [to sin] , the weaker was my will and I knew I was doomed to another failure if I didn't throw myself onto God's lap begging for Him to take control. "Aha!", I thought. That is it. He must have complete control and that is where I have failed in the past. The more I desired to be free of this slavery I was bound to, the tighter its hold became. The tighter the hold, the louder Satan’s whispers became."

-&-

"All forms of sin are connected to self gratification, selfishness, and lack of self control. Our weaknesses are well known to Satan, make no mistake, and he uses those weaknesses for greatest effect."

-Gina Burgess-

The sinful world we live in today, is one that worships flesh desires and disregards Christianity as another religion that can just be overlooked. Christianity just isn't what it was before. As the people trickeld out of the Church so did the passion for Christianity. I'm not saying that there aren't any more passionate people out there today, but there are less of them today and more of the spiritually apathetic ones who call themselves Christians based on the condition and premise that they either want to be saved from eternal damnation or that they just 'believe' that God exists (no strings attached). It is selfishness no matter which way you look at it. We do things mainly for our own personal gain, and not to truly spread the Kingdom of God. Many times I feel like I am one of those spiritually apathetic 'Christians' at times.

In the post prior to this one (my first post) I was talking about my doubts about God, about how I can't really see him working in family and the situation that we are in right now. Currently I'm stuck in this middle ground where I know for a fact, that God does exist, that we live in a unholy world, that He is coming soon to bring judgement on us all, however for me, it's just hard to 'believe.' There is a tremendous difference between knowing and believing. It takes effort to believe and incorporate into your own life as well. Giving your life to Christ and entrusting Him with all that you are, is hard, nearly impossible for me, yet this is what every Christian must do. It is so easy to make up excuses and end up with walls that you deem infinitely 'larger and stronger' than the Great Wall of China around your heart so that it becomes impossible for you to listen to God when He speaks to you. Hardened hearts are dangerous.

I have cemented myself in bricks and mortar in order to get away from the truth, God's Word. Without constant spiritual accountability during breaks (Thanksgiving, Winter, Spring and Summer), I fall back into step with my superficial Christian life that I lead before coming to college. It was only there that I felt like I was truly a Christian. Before summer vacation, I had a conversation with a Christian brother and he was telling me how not doing devotionals, praying and such, was like "letting Satan win." It had seemed a wee bit elementary at the time, but it worked. Did I want Satan to win? No. Of course not. So how do you keep him from winning? Do your devotionals and pray! I have to say, it worked for the rest of the semester and the beginning of the summer, but that soon died out like all my other aspects of my Christian life. Satan's been winning ever since. 

I need to start again. Let's make tonight the night.

Maybe God has planned all this for me to get back into His Word. Maybe, but I don't know. I'm still having so much trouble grasping why He has let/put my parents through all this trouble even though they have been so faithful to Him these years. Is this some sort of test of their actual faithfulness to Him?

During my college Bible Study (OASIS) at my Church we went over Habakkuk 1. 
From this passage, we concluded that God puts us (sinful men) through hardship and suffering inorder for us to cast away out idols and set out gaze back on him. He uses various ways to get us back, in this case, the enemies of His chosen people, the Chaldean (Babylonians). So maybe He is just putting us through all these disasters in our lives so that we can reevaluate our faith in Him and therefore run back into His outstretched hands instead of depending on our own might to defeat our enemies, no matter how small they are perceived to be.


We need him to lead us back into His arms. Please, just Reign in Us.
Over and out.

Where are you? We need your help.

Wow, my blogs fail.

I keep on making them, only to abandon them within a week or so.

Lame isn't it?

---

Lets try this again.

Hi there. Nice to meet you. I'm Nadine and I suck at life. 

Here it goes (this is going to be a long one):

My parents are paying a fortune for me to go to school and my grades are anything but pretty.

Not to add they are now both unemployed. My Dad has hypertension and diabetes while my Mom has just been diagnosed with cancer.

It hasn't been until recently that I've come to terms with these recent struggles. I've always been optimistic about my future, but recently it has been 'down in the gutters.' No, i take that back. actually it's been more like 'down in the sewers.' Everything is just cumulating into one giant mess that dosen't seems like it can't be ever fixed.

Putting on a friendly face in front of all my friends and family around me has been harder than ever these days. When they ask, 'Hey, how are you doing?' or 'How are your parents?' I respond with a good. It's not like I have ever been forthcoming with my feelings, but its always nice to share them with someone who you trust and not with people who you hold superficial relationships with. Right now, I really wish I had a brother or a sister to talk to.

My 'safe haven' is on the brink of extinction. WOOT.

So far, my biggest question right now is, 'Where is God in all this?' I admit, I'm pretty much a 'naive' Christian when it comes to understanding His word and trusting Him in all that I do. Even though I've been going to Church all my life, it hasn't been until college that I feel like I have truly started growing, only to shrink and cower away from my faith soon there afterwards. There are two things I've really remembered through all my years of Sunday School and Sermons and they say that God will always be with you and that God puts you through trials and tribulations in order for you to grow and root yourself in His Word. But why this? Why this heavy burden on my family? What is He trying to show us?

Maybe it's my naive Christian faith that is causing me to doubt God. I can't say that I don't believe in Him, I do. I do believe that He exists, but its the things that He can/will do that I'm having trouble believing in. All throughout this giant mess my family is going through, my parents have been praying to Him. I marvel at their faith in Him. As for me? I probably would have dropped my Christian faith and hid under a rock for the rest of my life. They thank Him for providing for our family and somehow in their undying faith, they thank Him for the this mess we are going though. How do they do it? I have no idea.

I wouldn't know where to turn to if it weren't for these two songs (it sounds sad but it's true). They breathe a breath inspiration, beacon of light and hope into me so I can live each day hoping for the best. The two songs are: "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless (click here) and "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson (click here). Recently, I break down every time I listen to them. Maybe it's because I'm barely hanging on to my Christian faith or something else, but they both speak directly to my heart. The lyrics of the songs are about how having faith and enduring through all these hardships "would bring a better ending."

I can't see any of this ending anytime soon. I can't see the outcomes of the work that we put in. I can't see God working in our lives. All I can see is how much my parents are struggling to make ends meet and how it seems that God has left us. I know my humanistic perspective is extremely limited and flawed because i'm all about the now instead of seeing the bigger picture of God's plan and what He might in store for my family.

I need to have faith, trust God, love others, persevere and endure to the end. No matter what. Let's see where He takes us.

After all, it is By His Grace. For His Glory.
Over and Out.

PS - Hopefully this continues well after my first few blog entries.