Wow, my blogs fail.
I keep on making them, only to abandon them within a week or so.
Lame isn't it?
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Lets try this again.
Hi there. Nice to meet you. I'm Nadine and I suck at life.
Here it goes (this is going to be a long one):
My parents are paying a fortune for me to go to school and my grades are anything but pretty.
Not to add they are now both unemployed. My Dad has hypertension and diabetes while my Mom has just been diagnosed with cancer.
It hasn't been until recently that I've come to terms with these recent struggles. I've always been optimistic about my future, but recently it has been 'down in the gutters.' No, i take that back. actually it's been more like 'down in the sewers.' Everything is just cumulating into one giant mess that dosen't seems like it can't be ever fixed.
Putting on a friendly face in front of all my friends and family around me has been harder than ever these days. When they ask, 'Hey, how are you doing?' or 'How are your parents?' I respond with a good. It's not like I have ever been forthcoming with my feelings, but its always nice to share them with someone who you trust and not with people who you hold superficial relationships with. Right now, I really wish I had a brother or a sister to talk to.
My 'safe haven' is on the brink of extinction. WOOT.
So far, my biggest question right now is, 'Where is God in all this?' I admit, I'm pretty much a 'naive' Christian when it comes to understanding His word and trusting Him in all that I do. Even though I've been going to Church all my life, it hasn't been until college that I feel like I have truly started growing, only to shrink and cower away from my faith soon there afterwards. There are two things I've really remembered through all my years of Sunday School and Sermons and they say that God will always be with you and that God puts you through trials and tribulations in order for you to grow and root yourself in His Word. But why this? Why this heavy burden on my family? What is He trying to show us?
Maybe it's my naive Christian faith that is causing me to doubt God. I can't say that I don't believe in Him, I do. I do believe that He exists, but its the things that He can/will do that I'm having trouble believing in. All throughout this giant mess my family is going through, my parents have been praying to Him. I marvel at their faith in Him. As for me? I probably would have dropped my Christian faith and hid under a rock for the rest of my life. They thank Him for providing for our family and somehow in their undying faith, they thank Him for the this mess we are going though. How do they do it? I have no idea.
I wouldn't know where to turn to if it weren't for these two songs (it sounds sad but it's true). They breathe a breath inspiration, beacon of light and hope into me so I can live each day hoping for the best. The two songs are: "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless (click here) and "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson (click here). Recently, I break down every time I listen to them. Maybe it's because I'm barely hanging on to my Christian faith or something else, but they both speak directly to my heart. The lyrics of the songs are about how having faith and enduring through all these hardships "would bring a better ending."
I can't see any of this ending anytime soon. I can't see the outcomes of the work that we put in. I can't see God working in our lives. All I can see is how much my parents are struggling to make ends meet and how it seems that God has left us. I know my humanistic perspective is extremely limited and flawed because i'm all about the now instead of seeing the bigger picture of God's plan and what He might in store for my family.
I need to have faith, trust God, love others, persevere and endure to the end. No matter what. Let's see where He takes us.
After all, it is By His Grace. For His Glory.
Over and Out.
PS - Hopefully this continues well after my first few blog entries.
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