We Fall Down, We Lay Our Crowns.

At the feet of Jesus, right?

The problem is, I can't.

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I have way too many idols that I am unwilling to let go. The more I look at my behavior, thoughts, and actions around others and my unwillingness to really come to the Lord in prayer and self-abandonment, the more I see the gravity of the sins that I commit, both consciously and unconsciously. I found this on a website when I was just looking at for some insight on this topic, if you will:

"The more I was compelled [to sin] , the weaker was my will and I knew I was doomed to another failure if I didn't throw myself onto God's lap begging for Him to take control. "Aha!", I thought. That is it. He must have complete control and that is where I have failed in the past. The more I desired to be free of this slavery I was bound to, the tighter its hold became. The tighter the hold, the louder Satan’s whispers became."

-&-

"All forms of sin are connected to self gratification, selfishness, and lack of self control. Our weaknesses are well known to Satan, make no mistake, and he uses those weaknesses for greatest effect."

-Gina Burgess-

The sinful world we live in today, is one that worships flesh desires and disregards Christianity as another religion that can just be overlooked. Christianity just isn't what it was before. As the people trickeld out of the Church so did the passion for Christianity. I'm not saying that there aren't any more passionate people out there today, but there are less of them today and more of the spiritually apathetic ones who call themselves Christians based on the condition and premise that they either want to be saved from eternal damnation or that they just 'believe' that God exists (no strings attached). It is selfishness no matter which way you look at it. We do things mainly for our own personal gain, and not to truly spread the Kingdom of God. Many times I feel like I am one of those spiritually apathetic 'Christians' at times.

In the post prior to this one (my first post) I was talking about my doubts about God, about how I can't really see him working in family and the situation that we are in right now. Currently I'm stuck in this middle ground where I know for a fact, that God does exist, that we live in a unholy world, that He is coming soon to bring judgement on us all, however for me, it's just hard to 'believe.' There is a tremendous difference between knowing and believing. It takes effort to believe and incorporate into your own life as well. Giving your life to Christ and entrusting Him with all that you are, is hard, nearly impossible for me, yet this is what every Christian must do. It is so easy to make up excuses and end up with walls that you deem infinitely 'larger and stronger' than the Great Wall of China around your heart so that it becomes impossible for you to listen to God when He speaks to you. Hardened hearts are dangerous.

I have cemented myself in bricks and mortar in order to get away from the truth, God's Word. Without constant spiritual accountability during breaks (Thanksgiving, Winter, Spring and Summer), I fall back into step with my superficial Christian life that I lead before coming to college. It was only there that I felt like I was truly a Christian. Before summer vacation, I had a conversation with a Christian brother and he was telling me how not doing devotionals, praying and such, was like "letting Satan win." It had seemed a wee bit elementary at the time, but it worked. Did I want Satan to win? No. Of course not. So how do you keep him from winning? Do your devotionals and pray! I have to say, it worked for the rest of the semester and the beginning of the summer, but that soon died out like all my other aspects of my Christian life. Satan's been winning ever since. 

I need to start again. Let's make tonight the night.

Maybe God has planned all this for me to get back into His Word. Maybe, but I don't know. I'm still having so much trouble grasping why He has let/put my parents through all this trouble even though they have been so faithful to Him these years. Is this some sort of test of their actual faithfulness to Him?

During my college Bible Study (OASIS) at my Church we went over Habakkuk 1. 
From this passage, we concluded that God puts us (sinful men) through hardship and suffering inorder for us to cast away out idols and set out gaze back on him. He uses various ways to get us back, in this case, the enemies of His chosen people, the Chaldean (Babylonians). So maybe He is just putting us through all these disasters in our lives so that we can reevaluate our faith in Him and therefore run back into His outstretched hands instead of depending on our own might to defeat our enemies, no matter how small they are perceived to be.


We need him to lead us back into His arms. Please, just Reign in Us.
Over and out.

Where are you? We need your help.

Wow, my blogs fail.

I keep on making them, only to abandon them within a week or so.

Lame isn't it?

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Lets try this again.

Hi there. Nice to meet you. I'm Nadine and I suck at life. 

Here it goes (this is going to be a long one):

My parents are paying a fortune for me to go to school and my grades are anything but pretty.

Not to add they are now both unemployed. My Dad has hypertension and diabetes while my Mom has just been diagnosed with cancer.

It hasn't been until recently that I've come to terms with these recent struggles. I've always been optimistic about my future, but recently it has been 'down in the gutters.' No, i take that back. actually it's been more like 'down in the sewers.' Everything is just cumulating into one giant mess that dosen't seems like it can't be ever fixed.

Putting on a friendly face in front of all my friends and family around me has been harder than ever these days. When they ask, 'Hey, how are you doing?' or 'How are your parents?' I respond with a good. It's not like I have ever been forthcoming with my feelings, but its always nice to share them with someone who you trust and not with people who you hold superficial relationships with. Right now, I really wish I had a brother or a sister to talk to.

My 'safe haven' is on the brink of extinction. WOOT.

So far, my biggest question right now is, 'Where is God in all this?' I admit, I'm pretty much a 'naive' Christian when it comes to understanding His word and trusting Him in all that I do. Even though I've been going to Church all my life, it hasn't been until college that I feel like I have truly started growing, only to shrink and cower away from my faith soon there afterwards. There are two things I've really remembered through all my years of Sunday School and Sermons and they say that God will always be with you and that God puts you through trials and tribulations in order for you to grow and root yourself in His Word. But why this? Why this heavy burden on my family? What is He trying to show us?

Maybe it's my naive Christian faith that is causing me to doubt God. I can't say that I don't believe in Him, I do. I do believe that He exists, but its the things that He can/will do that I'm having trouble believing in. All throughout this giant mess my family is going through, my parents have been praying to Him. I marvel at their faith in Him. As for me? I probably would have dropped my Christian faith and hid under a rock for the rest of my life. They thank Him for providing for our family and somehow in their undying faith, they thank Him for the this mess we are going though. How do they do it? I have no idea.

I wouldn't know where to turn to if it weren't for these two songs (it sounds sad but it's true). They breathe a breath inspiration, beacon of light and hope into me so I can live each day hoping for the best. The two songs are: "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless (click here) and "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson (click here). Recently, I break down every time I listen to them. Maybe it's because I'm barely hanging on to my Christian faith or something else, but they both speak directly to my heart. The lyrics of the songs are about how having faith and enduring through all these hardships "would bring a better ending."

I can't see any of this ending anytime soon. I can't see the outcomes of the work that we put in. I can't see God working in our lives. All I can see is how much my parents are struggling to make ends meet and how it seems that God has left us. I know my humanistic perspective is extremely limited and flawed because i'm all about the now instead of seeing the bigger picture of God's plan and what He might in store for my family.

I need to have faith, trust God, love others, persevere and endure to the end. No matter what. Let's see where He takes us.

After all, it is By His Grace. For His Glory.
Over and Out.

PS - Hopefully this continues well after my first few blog entries.